Lots of Silence…

… I am hoping that this is the last post here… for a long time. If not the last one for good.

The reason being is that I am going to try not to allow myself to feel censored on my other blog. So hopefully the things I need to express will be there… and not in hiding here. But I am NOT closing this site because who knows if I can do that all of the time. I might find a time or two where I feel like I have to post my thoughts here.

I will be exposing this site over there too. And that all by itself might make some people angry. But I am ok with that. This blog… and my other blog… are about ME and ME working through my thoughts and feelings. If that process offends people then… well… it’s a shame and of course I do not want to offend others…but it’s also TOO BAD because this is about ME. About ME being healthy. About ME needing and using MY therapeutic outlet.

Hey I am not out committing crimes, or doing drugs. I do not intentionally try to harm others. So …. Deal with my blog. and if you can’t…. STOP READING IT.

Emotional

I’m blogging here for this rather then my “other” home because I feel very emotional and I’d rather not hear the sympathies from my friends and family. While they all mean well and normally would be very welcome, right now I don’t think I could stay strong hearing their support.

All I want to do is cry. I have seen the worsening symptoms. She doesn’t know I see. She thinks she’s hiding it. But I see it and it can only mean one thing. The damage is worse. My mom is dying slowly and painfully. Just typing that tests my strength. I hate watching her knowing there is nothing I can do to help or fix it.

. . . I feel guilty too because she’s been so unbearable to live with but she is dying so I feel I should be more tolerant, patient and understanding.

8 Days

Wow… it’s been 8 whole days since I came here to complain. And I want to add, that isn’t for lack of shit to complain about, lol. There are a couple reasons for my MIA status.

1. I have been insanely busy. LooseCannon was in crisis with her disability. (Mental health issues) and she reached out for help. Just in time too. So I have been focusing a lot of my energy on her and her needs for the last 4 days. She’s already doing better. They are making changes in her medications and the groups there are great. They talk a lot about goals, coping skills, and learning to focus on the things you can control, and how they react to the things they can’t.
2. Also I have been getting a bit braver and have posted about 4, maybe more, posts on my “other” blog, the one that is known and my family and friends visit it often. Of course those post doing not contain the vulgarity that you’ll find here. There is some… but it’s in control amounts, lol. But I was proud of myself because I did not edit myself. I spoke how I felt with 100% honestly and I did it without using the F-bomb in every sentence, lol. I wanted DevilIncarnate to read those posts and hear me and hear how she is being unreasonable. But of course I have no idea if she’s reading them or not. She hasn’t said anything about them. And I can’t tell by her behavior or moods, since they are always shitty, lol.

So those are the main two anyway. MU keeps giving me shit over DevilIncarnate and over the fact that he thinks I should be making all the post here over on my “other” blog. With the exception of the first time, maybe, he has always respected my right to speak my mind over there. He accepted and agreed that I needed an outlet. A safe outlet to express the disastrous insanity that is the freeway full of bullshit in my mind. This is the worst of all my ADHD symptoms. And so far NO drug or therapy has helped with this.

That freeway to me is worse than my OCD, My chronic depression, my Agoraphobia, and even worse they all the symptoms of my Bipolar.  It’s worse because it intensifies and complicates all of my other symptoms. The freeway from my ADHD causes me to have my mind racing almost always. And I mean 24/7 – 365 days a year. There are days that are so bad I can’t focus on anything for more then 3 seconds at a time. I have had days where I cannot speak in full sentences because I lose my thought midway through. Word retrieval is almost impossible on those days. And even on a moderate day word retrieval is always a problem. I have been described as appearing to look lost… and I am. It’s like being trapped inside my head, unable to find a doorway out. I can see, hear and comprehend what’s going on around me, but I can’t find the doorway out that will let me answer or interact with the outside world. And then…snap… just like that I am back and in control again. It’s very inconvenient and makes my life a daily challenge.

But back to the point… MU believes I shouldn’t have to have this blog… he doesn’t agree with me hiding my feelings. I agree with him. But if I am honest with myself… I am scared of the potential backlash. Again remember that I am non-confrontational. Especially with DevilIncarnate. She’s beat down my entire life… my opinions and thoughts weren’t allowed or accepted. So I have to think again… do I want to take on this potential nuclear explosion?

My Room Is NOT A Hallway

I am glad I have the restraint that I have. Since DevilIncarnate moved in she almost always… like 75-80% of the time she uses MY BEDROOM as a hallway. She claims she trying to be nice and not walk through the living room and there by walk in front of the TV.  But I have hinted many times and even used the kids…when they do it I yell at them… loud enough for her to hear… MY ROOM IS NOT A HALLWAY!!! STAY OUT!!!   But she apparently is pretending NOT to hear me or for some reason feels that doesn’t include her.

And if you haven’t been able to tell…. it pissed me OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s a layout of our house. It’s not the best drawing but you get the general idea.

 

It’s kinda of pathetic that I have to lock the door on one side of my room for her to get the picture that I do not want anyone walking through my room. And the sad part is she still won’t get it… not really. She’ll think I am locking the kids out… or that I am just being pissy and in a day or too it’ll be ok to start going through there again.

I have dreams…. dreams of taking her out! Ugh! That woman is lucky that I love her.

Your’s Is Always Worse or Bigger

You can’t even make comments about hurting or not feeling well around here because DevilIncarnate just, usually snidely, comments some stupid thing like, “Join the club”, or, “You want to talk hurt?”, “I’m sick too and you don’t here me whining. “, “You want to trade? I am sick and hurting every day.”

I am sorry I didn’t realize that this was a fucking pissing contest of who is sicker or in more pain. I was simpling talking to the air that I didn’t feel well and was aching and sore all over. I didn’t know I had to register with the “DevilIncarnate’s is your sickness or pain worthy of comment.” registery

I swear it’s like she has a constant need to “one up you” on everything. You can’t have any conversations with her because each one will contain a story of how she did “it” (whatever “it” is) too… and always big, better, longer or stronger than you did.

If you ran a marathon, she did too and her’s was longer. Or you did it wrong and she has a 30-45 minute lecture/presentation where she tells you of how you should have done it correctly. If you are sick… she’s sicker. If you dealt with a jerk on the road… so did she and it was a bigger deal. It just goes on and on.

She thinks she knows EVERYTHING. She can tell you how everything works… and if it is not working, she knows why and it usually is someone’s fault too.

It just gets so fucking tiring. Do you know how exhausting it is to live with someone who thinks they know it all? Plus 2 teenage girls… plus a husband who thinks he’s always right…hence the nickname… MasterOfTheUniverse. I feel like everything I say or do is under constant scrutiny. I find myself being silent more and more because I do not want to get into a conversation where I am wrong, or where I get lectured or where I get to listen about how myself or someone else in my family is the blame for…. whatever.

Ugh… I am not looking for a competition.

You Want To What?!!

She stands here and bitches and lectures at me. And I lay here silently letting her because I am sick and have no energy to get into a fight. So let her vent about the box of small petty bullshit. And then she starts in about how she’s going to lose it one day and start hitting the kids. Hang on a sec…

NO YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

She says she is going to get a flyswatter and start smacking them with that. Ummm…. What?! First of all… NO FUCKING WAY…. second of all these are my children… not animals to be trained. I was VERY insulted. So I said no and she goes on about how we must not upset the princesses. So I snapped back that if she does that it will cause me ALOT more problems…Including intense fights between her and I and Rick and I…. you see a trend there??

*I* end up have to fight and defend  on ALL sides of the battle field.

I don’t want to go there… I do not want to have to choose.

Good To Know

That my children and my husband are apparently such horrible people that my mom cries daily and is miserable all of the time living here. Isn’t that a good thing to know. That it’s all because we are horrible people.

She’s a perfect human being…. the very image of what GOD created right?  NOT!!!!!!! She’s a bully. She’s temperamental, judgmental… and delusional because she thinks she’s right all of the time.

Is It Really Necessary??

I mean really? Is it necessary to bitch, gripe and nag at me 2 minutes after I open my eyes while I am pouring my first cup of coffee and trying to take my morning medicine? I mean it’s not like I really give a shit anyways. I AM NOT FULLY AWAKE YET. DevilIncarnate only cares about herself and the way she thinks life should be. If things aren’t done HER way then they are all wrong. Or so she thinks. She’s told me my whole life to let her alone till she’s had a cup of coffee but apparently that’s a one way road because she constantly attacks me with gripes first thing in the morning. NEWS FLASH: I DON”T FUCKING CARE if the kids left the toaster out, it used to be out all the time. I do not care if the stove was cleaned the night before. That is something I’ll deal with LATER, not when I first wake up. I really don’t care about anything short of someone bleeding from the head needing immediate medical attention or the house burning down.

Last night the stove wasn’t cleaned… the toaster was left out… there was a plate of jellied cranberries, half of one slice to be precise,  mushed up and left on the counter – OMFUCKINGGOD – Call out the Marines and the Navy Seals!!!! For crying out loud!!! These things are not that big of a deal. And certainly NOT worth getting all pissed off over first thing in the morning and certainly NOT worth bitching at other people over in the morning before they have a cup of coffee.

She says it’s the LITTLE things that could make things nicer, make lives easier, and of course make her not pissy. And I say It’s those LITTLE things that are NOT that fucking important that you have the right to bitch at people the second they wake up! Don’t sweat the little things…. BUILD A FUCKING BRIDGE AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!

Stop & Start & Stop & Start

I can’t do a fucking thing in this house. No matter what I do, up to and including using the bathroom, someone in this house is calling my name or just starts talking and then gets all pissed off that I am not listening and answering them. I can’t talk on the phone, watch a movie or TV show, read a book, go to the bathroom, vacuum the floor… NOTHING without someone asking something to me or of me.

I have had the worst fucking headache for 2 days now and all day yesterday I hid in my room, only to get attitude that I was hiding in my room… so today I am trying to be around the family. But they hate that I don’t want to talk really and I asked them quietly to not yell… and now I am nagging them. WTF!!!!!

Just leave me alone!

Gas Hog!

Suddenly DevilIncarnate has taken to wanting to drive my car everywhere instead of her own van. Now I can see why, she has always loved and preferred small cars. But hello it’s my car and she’s gone through a half a tank of gas already and usually that takes me a month to do. And she’s implied wanting to take MY car to work. Ummm, NO. Use your own damn vehicle!! Oh and when we go out together she insists on using my car and then won’t let me drive!! It’s my car!! I got pissy last time and said I want to drive and she got mad at me and said ok, and then she stayed home and chose not to go with me. How fucking old are you?!

I swear I am going to have MU disable my car somehow so she can’t drive it.